DIVINITY WITHIN - Day 4 of 108 Days - "Nothing Happened"

"Nothing happened " - it is all illusion.

Day 4 - I read a book written by this beautiful woman and in it she shared her experience of being brutally raped on a most auspicious day you can imagine. And tho' she asked for a miracle or a savior to come to save her that moment, it did not happen. When the guy was leaving, she said something like "I forgive you or God loves you" and the guy responded "Nobody loves me". The police came and a few hours after, the guy was caught.

According to her story, her spiritual circle of friends have a common comments about the incident - KARMA. That is not very comforting. She said she asked God why He did not come or send someone to come and help her, why did God allowed it to happen. She said she heard a voice asking her "What happened?" to which she responded "I was brutally raped". She heard the voice again "What happened?" to which she responded again "I was brutally raped". And the third time she was asked 'What happened?". She figured it out and said:

"NOTHING HAPPENED".

It seems like when you hear this "voice or broadcast", it always comes in set of 3. Could it be the holy trinity? or the message have to be impress on the mind, body and soul so it has to be 3. Or we are all hard headed and dunce that once or twice is not enough and it has to be reiterated 3 times before we get it. Whatever it is, I am not really convinced that "nothing happened" and I did not really understand what she figured out. I thought she was just sick and tired of the voice or that she figure she will not get a decent answer and just let it go and convinced herself that nothing happened.

When I finally met her on one of her lecture/seminar, she seemed to be so at peace, so content, ever smiling and exude this love and divinity within her. She almost looked like a goddess to me at that time and anything she will say, I was ready to agree. According to her and most spiritual teachers/masters and even most spiritual text "All this is just an illusion". The thing that we are experiencing, what we call reality, what we see and hear is but a thought. So by undoing the illusion of separate existence, we go back to the One. If there is only one, then it is so - what ever we experienced be it good or bad, happy or sad in the end "Nothing happened". It's but a thought. Think about it....................................

Why then are we affected by incidents in our lives? Why does a result of an event either make us or break us? More money, less money, losing money, making up, breaking up, marriage, divorce, earthquake, tsunami, fire, flood, UFO, ET, disclosure, HAARP, chemtrail, getting a job, losing a job, graduation, birthday, anniversary - is this everything or nothing?

So, it took over 5 years of knowing this lady before I finally understood and learned from her experience. It will take at least 3 pages to compress what happened in that 5 years, so for now let me share this:

There is a sanskrit word "maya" meaning that which does not exist but appears to exist. It makes the unreal appear as real and the real as unreal. Some say it is synonymous to ignorance.

And my teacher says "as you move towards the light your shadow falls behind you; when you move away from the light you have to follow your own shadow. Go every moment one step nearer to the LIGHT and then ignorance (the shadow) will fall behind you and will not delude you at all."

Just as most masters and teachers will say - first you are in the light, then the light is in you and then you and the light are one - you are the light.

Let that little light shine, let it glow, let it radiate, let it vibrate.

DIVINITY WITHIN - Day 3 of 108 Days - "You have to go beyond miracles"

"You have to go beyond miracles"

Day 3 - I was told to go beyond miracles. How can I do that? What does it mean? I love miracles.

Miracles, miracles, miracles. It seems like everybody want a miracle and when they do get it, they are elated, they are intoxicated, they are "high" - but only for a while. Sooner or later they forget and they go back to their old ways and beliefs and then they wanted more miracles.

I have known and researched hundreds of miracles that are well documented and checked and verified. Most religions based their beliefs on miracles.

I was brought up as a Catholic. As a child I felt neglected and to compensate, my imaginary friend was Jesus and always refer to him as my brother. I always called upon Mother Mary when my mom was not around and not available. My imaginary father is Father God (I did not know at that time that it should have been Father/Mother God).

As a child, when I wanted to buy a candy from the store and I did not have any money and there was no one to ask, I would go to the second floor of the house, and flung the windows open wide and looked up in the sky and utter that little request "Father God, I want some candy from the store and there is no money, can you give me some so I can buy?". I will hear Him loud and clear saying "OK, there it is (on the ground)". It was so normal, I will look on the ground from up the window and I can see not just one coin but 2 or 3 and I don't even remember saying thank you. I will just run down and pick up the coin and run to the store and buy my candy.

As I was growing up, (since I have Jesus, Mother Mary and Father God, not to mention all the sages and saints e.g. calling St. Anthony when you lost or misplaced something, calling another when you are being chase by a rabid dog; calling St. Rita, St. Francis etc. etc.), I have no need to confide to friends and relatives about problems, issues and challenges. I have all this heavenly beings that are ready to assist me. And yet, there are so many questions that I needed an answer and yet I did not hear the answer, or perhaps I did not want to hear or did not listen enough. One thing I remember, during the major challenges/events/issues in my life, they are always there. Let me mention some incidents that I can still see vividly in my mind:

It seemed like I had a stomach flu and I was all alone since my parents were out of the country and everyone else are out and about. I felt like I burning candle whose light is about to be extinguish completely, so...utter a little prayer, call the imaginary friends "Father God, Mother Mary and Jesus - I feel so sick, there is no one to care for me and I sure do not want to call emergency nor do I want to go to the hospital " - just like that and I saw them on the right top corner of the ceiling, they are coming down, and then I passed out. I woke up a few hours later and I was feeling much, much better.

I was in labor for 26 hours and still not properly dilated. They wanted to wait and they will only do a C-sect if it is necessary. The pain was unbearable and I told them to cut me up and get the baby out. And so it is. I asked for it, I get it. The monitor showed the baby's heartbeat stopped. After a few more test, I was told that the baby was "in distress" and they have to cut me up. During the commotion and when I filled out my medical forms, I forget to mention that I had prolo therapy treatment that made me almost immune to a regular dose of anesthesia and that they have to give me 2 or 3x the normal to make it effective. As I was in the operating room and the anesthesiologist was holding my hand, it looked like I was under it already so they started cutting me up - well, I wasn't under it, I was fully awake but my body cannot move so I started screaming and since my body cannot do anything, no proper sound was being produce by
the vocal chords but the anesthesiologist remembered that she can hear some type of moaning sound but she could not make out what it is - so they continue cutting me up and I hear every sound and can feel every pain as the cutting instrument touched the flesh of the body. And I heard a voice
" YOU ARE NOT THE BODY, YOU ARE NOT THE MIND" but I am feeling the pain and hearing the voices.
" YOU ARE NOT THE BODY, YOU ARE NOT THE MIND" but what am I to do to stop this experienced?
" YOU ARE NOT THE BODY, YOU ARE NOT THE MIND" ... fine, I have enough of this. And so I got out of the body and the mind. And woke up in the recovery room.

This is painful but I know it is just memory pain and I have to finish this. And when I do, I know I will feel good and you will too. So, I will try to be emotionally detach from it and continue.

When I was working in downtown Chicago I would go to Old Saint Mary's church for lunch, sit on the pew and take a nap. It would happen that from time to time, while taking a nap, someone will wake me up and he/she is not alive (you know like sort of a spirit or perhaps others call it a ghost) and we will just chat for a minute or 2. There was also an incident when my old polish neighbor who did not speak a word of English came to my dream at around 6p.m (I was so tired that I went straight to bed after work) and asked me to take her and guide her to where she was going because she felt lost and afraid. I said OK and a hand appeared and gave me a lamp to guide us through. The next day her son came and informed me that she died around 6 p.m. the previous day. A few other deaths and wakes and funerals where I got a chance to talk to the departed.

A few years before my mom passed away, she told me she was going blind but did not want the others to know. I remember receiving some type of "holy ash" in a packet and it is supposed to be curative, so I gave it to my mom and told her to rub it in her eyes at night and in a weeks time, she told me her vision was back to normal.

What are all the above instances and incidents - are they miracles? To me, it was so ordinary, so normal, as normal as breathing keeps me alive. As normal as the eyelids protects the eyes, as ordinary as the eyelids closes when you are ready to sleep and will open when you are ready to wake up. Tell me, why do we expect miracles, and what miracles are we expecting?

If miracle is an event that appears inexplicable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural in origin or an act of God, isn't the opening and closing of your eyelids an act of God? isn't the beating of your heart inexplicable, isn't being born and dying supernatural? the fact that I can write this and you can read it, that I don't know you and you don't know me and yet we are touching each others life, isn't it the most amazing thing???

"BEYOND" is something that lies outside the scope of ordinary experience. If miracle is an act of God, then beyond miracle is something that lies outside an Act of God. If creation is an Act of God, then what lies outside creation? could it be FREE WILL? Why will God raise His Hand and say " This Hands can turn everything to nothing and nothing to everything (can turn dust into Gold, water into wine, raise the dead and everything else) and yet, it cannot change the heart of man". Why? Because He gave us a free will and He is honoring that. The choice is ours The only free will is the will to choose to be human or to realize that you are divine - a divine being having a human experience. Realize it now. There is no better choice, there is no better time.

Dearest, the divinity in me acknowledges the divinity in you. Know it and be happy, you deserve to be.

Be happy, be happy, be happy.

DIVINITY WITHIN - Day 2 of 108 Days - "Love without duty is divine"

"Duty without love is deplorable,
Duty with love is desirable,
Love without duty is divine". SSB


Day 2 - I was only married for 1 year and I was miserable. I went to India to find some answers after hearing that a holy man in South India can do miracles and grant wishes and mine is to get out of my miserable situation. After staying in His ashram for several weeks, I was not hearing the answer that I wanted and so it was time to leave.

As I was waiting for the last darshan (a Sanskrit word that means "to have the vision of divinity"), the Holy Man came and He was about 50 feet away and yet I felt His gaze bore through my soul and heard His voice very clearly in my head "I will come". What does it mean? I was more confused at that moment than when I first came.

I decided to stay in the city of Bangalore for a day in case the holy man will come there. But that seemed impossible since I was told He only come to the city in the summer. Perhaps in my dreams - that is more plausible. I was told when you dream of Him it is real. So I took a shower, wore a clean pj, lit a candle and went to bed (wishing that He visit me in my dreams). Woke up the next working, the candle went out during the night (glad there was no fire) and no dream of the holy man. I figured He must be busy with thousands of people in His ashram. So I decided to have breakfast and then take a nap and give him another chance to come to my dream. Around 9:30 a.m. or so, I light another candle and took a nap. He came and the dream was:

"Hundreds of people were waiting for the Holy Man and I was really close to the front area - about 10 feet away and He asked me where is my husband and as I was about to tell Him that he is in Chicago and I came to ask Him for advice about divorce, my husband just appeared next to Him. It seems that they talked for hours while everybody just patiently waited till it is over. Then He asked me to come closer and I can touch His feet, only because He has known my husband for so many years".

I woke up and thought that since He has known my husband for so many years, then he must be a good man and that I should stay married to him. So, I came back to Chicago and as my husband met me at the airport, the first thing I told him was "I don't love you and I am only staying because I married you and as a Catholic, it is my duty to stay married till you divorce me".

What is wrong with me, why did I not remember that "duty without love is deplorable"? Perhaps it was not the right time to remember? Perhaps it is desirable that I have to learn duty with love, first? But how can you love someone that you do not love anymore? I will tell you how.

Days passed and weeks and months and when I was almost at the lowest ebb of my life again, a son is born. A precious son that brought deep meaning of duty with love. How can I have duty without love for my husband and duty with love for my son, knowing one is deplorable and one is desirable and yet all I wanted is to experience the divine?

I will be up most nights trying to reconcile what is deplorable and desirable so I can arrive to that which is "divine". I kept asking why, why, why. And when I did not hear the answer, I consoled myself with "Do not ask to understand, do not want to understand". But I wanted to know, I do not want to go through life not knowing, not experiencing, not being the best I can be. And that wanting to know is almost asking, and so I received the answer - "When you learn to love him as yourself, you will know and experience "love without duty is divine".

Oh yeah??? and how am I supposed to do that? The Christians are taught to "love your neighbor as yourself" and every religion teaches the golden rule and yet, if your neighbor has a different skin color and speak different language, you find it hard to love them as yourself. When the neighboring country is economically depressed we build walls and fences on our borders so their citizen cannot come and take the jobs away from us. When we cannot keep up with the Jones-es, we cannot love them, we are in fact jealous and envious of them.

A silent prayer "Divinity within me, tell me how, tell me now, show me the way to feel love without duty so I can experience divinity". And so it is - I was told to grab anyone, face them and look into their eyes, really look and who do I see? I see myself, the reflection of me in the pupil of the other person's eye. Ahhh, that is indeed easy. Whenever I look at another and I focus on the pupil with my reflection, then there is only me, there is only One, there is no other - who am I loving? who am I hurting? who am I serving? where does duty come in? No wonder it is said that I separated myself from myself so I can love myself. No duty at all. Just love, pure love - no pressure, no condition, ever flowing, love without duty is divine.

Feel it, experience it, enjoy it.

DIVINITY WITHIN - Day 1 of 108 Days - "Every moment is a bhajan"

DAY 1 - In 1983, I read a phrase from a holy man in India stating:
"Every moment is a bhajan". I have to find out what bhajan means and it is a simple song in soulful language, with origins in the ancient hymns of Vedas, expressing the many emotions of love for God; a song of praise to the One, the Source.

How can every moment be a song, a music that expresses our highest emotion to the One, the Source when every day we are bombarded with so many emotions mostly negative ones towards ourselves and our fellow human beings?

At the time I was searching for meaning, I was tired of living and ready to leave this body. My husband was an angry man. He knit picked and scream any chance he can - e.g. if you forget to dry the sink, if you did not turn off the faucet completely that a drop of water escaped from it, if there is dust on the table or tv screen and any other little/medium/big stuff that someone else did and is not to his likings.

If every day all I hear are screams and loud noises and put downs and blames, how then, can any one convince me that every moment is a song, a music that reminds us that we are all ONE, that there is only ONE? How can I hear a note every moment that will make my heart sing, or how can I know that even if we are not hearing it, that SONG is playing - a song of praise, a song of love, a song that if we can only hear will remind us and make us realize who we are, where we came from and where we are going?

So, as I was in the bedroom contemplating suicide, I figured what the heck, let me utter a silent question before I leave...."God in me, how can every moment be a song?" If only I can hear the music, then perhaps life is worth living. I wanted to understand so much that I actually started hearing some musical notes, then it was as if a bucket of knowledge / understanding was poured into me and filled my being that I actually looked up and around to see where it was coming from.

And I heard someone turned on the faucet and the water was pouring and it was producing the most melodic sound. My husband came into the bedroom and I can see from the look on his face and the movement of his lips and pointing fingers that he was screaming and yet all I can hear is sweet music coming from his inner being. How can it be so? I heard metals grinding and cars screeching and horn blowing and the siren of an ambulance and yet it was such a poignant sound that seems to express the highest expression of love known to man.

And so it is. Ask and you shall receive your answer. It was not what I was expecting, or maybe it was. It just came pouring that I was overwhelmed. It lasted for about 5 minutes or so and then the explanation was given:

"Listen to your heartbeat. Listen to your pulse. Listen to sound of your eyelids when it open and close. Listen to your breathing in and out inhaling and exhaling. It is such a simple song, expressing the love so divine that it animates this body, go within and listen. That song has been playing ever since, every moment of every hour of every day of every year - it is the primordial sound. That music never stop playing but you have forgotten to listen".

The song continued in my heart and mind and from that moment on, it has never stop. LISTEN, LISTEN to your heart's song.