Day 15 - what a day. April 21, 2010 - I finally reconciled to the idea that although I seem to know something, I really know nothing at all.
"Seek out your faults and others' merits. Seeking others' faults is dire sin."
As I write this things down, it seems that I am learning something and that I know something and that I am continually growing. I know nothing. I am just a flute. But sometimes if the flute is left on the ground, it end up gathering dust. Though it is hallow, a mere dust will cause dissonance and take away from the perfection of the music. As a flute, let me always be on the hand or the pocket of the master musician ready to be played and an instrument wherein the music flow through that brings heavenly bliss to those who hear.
For a while, I was not really seeking others' faults but I was looking at it and so I tell myself that the fault is blatantly obvious that even someone who is not really looking will notice it. I didn't know that the reason I am seeing it in others is because it is in me. Or I know but I find it hard to believe that the same fault is in me.
For so long I avoided getting a lawyer to settle things for me. Why? I tried to tell myself that the lawyer will send a sheriff or whoever to serve the notice to the house of the person and if I am also in the same house then the other person will direct his anger towards me. But then I also did not want to leave the house. I tell myself that I live here for so long and that I deserve to be here even though the environment is not conducive, I tried to persevere. I go beyond miracle, I exercise the power to create a flowery path, I considered that the past is history, I practice equanimity, help ever hurt never, let the different faith exist, forgive, be detached, watch my thoughts, words and deeds and ....make sure not to build houses on bridge of change - and yet that is basically what I have been doing all this time. Just because I traveled all over and spent most of my time out somewhere does not mean I have not built a house on the bridge of change. I did and I am holding on to it. I am so attached to it as is typically of any creature of habits that I refused to notice it.
I called a lawyer yesterday and just for the heck of it, made an appointment. At night, wrote day 14 and went to bed and woke up, did my errands and went to see the lawyer. On my way home, I felt so light as if a heavy burden was lifted - strange that I was probably so used to carrying that heavy burden that I wasn't even aware I was carrying it. I got home, found him there and was tried to start a very casual conversation that I barely got a response. Not until later when I went out to dinner with a friend (who told me that he wanted to hold on to the hate that he is feeling towards his on-again/off-again girlfriend of 5 years so that when he is tempted to get back with her or call her or when he feels weak, then that hate will give him strength to move on) that I realized I am exactly the same way - except the hate part.
Why is it so hard to seek out our faults and others' merits? Why is seeking others' faults a dire sin? simple - how do you the nape of your neck? how do you scratch your own back? you get a tool (mirror) to see the back of your neck. you asked someone or get a scratcher to scratch your back. So when someone tell you their experience, as they describe each and every participant in their story, you can relate to the character that most resemble you and your action and yet, most often than not, you will voice out an opinion stating yes, yes, you are almost alike and you can understand perfectly well what the other person is talking about because you can really relate to that experience and yet, all the while, deep inside you, you understand the other (villain) in the story because you know that that is what you are, too. As soon as you accept that you are a villain, then you will notice the others merit - you are on your way to recovery.
Why is seeking others' fault is a dire sin? Because this is your life - not anyone else's. You are here to experience. And when you seek the fault of another, you are not helping yourself move forward - your attention is on another - how will you change? how will you improve? you find someone's fault, do you want them to change, when they do, what good will it do you?
When you find your own fault and seek other people's merit, it humbles you. It makes you want to become better and better. It benefits you and improve your character. It is like trying to reach out and maneuver the steering wheel of another person's car while you are sitting in your car and should be maneuver the steering of your own car - does that make sense?
With Infinite Love and Gratitude always,
I am happy, very happy. Very, very happy
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