DIVINITY WITHIN - Day 7 of 108 Days - "Equanimity"

"Let the wave of memory, the storm of desire, the fire of emotion pass through without affecting your equanimity" Sri Sathya Sai Baba


Day 7 - EQUANIMITY

My God, I thought I am through with this pain. Yesterday I was given the thoughts about the challenges of the past and how it is the ultimate delusion. I understood it, I experienced it. Why then am I being tested today - why is the wave of memory ready to rip me apart again and tempting me, taunting me about what another person did or did not do?

So I will go back to the previous lesson to pass today's challenge. I know I have the power to make a path of flower or a path of thorn. By being affected with a wave of memory, I am losing my equanimity and a path of thorn is about to pave my way and ....sorry, I cannot allow for that. I will exercise my power, I will choose to realize that I am divine having a human experience and that being the case, I will let divinity within me flow through.

This person that I have known for 25 years, I have trusted and believed in end up causing me too much pain, heartaches and suffering. No - he did not cause it - I allowed him. I have a choice not to accept the shit that he is dumping on me, but I have too much grandiosity - believing I am a much better person than he is and that I can take the suffering (the martyrdom that Christianity advocates) and that would give me points in heaven.

So it is that year after year I felt like sacrificing for that is what I saw women do - for their husband, their child, their family. Then, I started wishing ill will to the other person who I thought was the root cause of all the suffering - not realizing then that it was no other than me who is doing it to myself. Rather than face the devil and fight to the end. I decided to work out of state that way I do not have to be in the situation/condition 7 days a week. It was a good cope out - I work 4-5 days a week and only have to come home and face the challenge 2 days at the most. If I cannot handle 7 days a week, surely I can handle pain for 2 days.

And so it went on for 5 years. First I was coming home every weekend, then it was 3 weeks and it turned to months. And all that time I was hoping that he would come and visit me, that he will miss me and ask me to come home more often and then we can talk about it, perhaps negotiate, perhaps get counseling and then everything will be fine and dandy and we can be a happy family again. But for 5 long years, he got close enough to wherever I was working say 5 hrs drive after he visited his sister, that is not to much to ask. After all I am his wife - surely if he can drive for 12 hours to visit sister or friends or acquaintances, then he can come visit his wife. NOPE. He never did. Not once - though there were 240 weeks, 60 months, 5 years for goodness sake - not once did he try. It should have given me a clue but I love the suffering and I love wallowing in self pity that I continue being his wife (or perhaps I got no balls, it took many more weeks to grow some). I am over it now, I'm pretty sure I am.

And today he asked me why his computer is not working, etc. etc. he cannot access the Internet. So "service to man is service to God". I offered to help him. He is going to see his daughter (my step d) and grand kids in Charlotte (hm mm, I was there for almost a year - and he did not come visit). He already booked a flight but he forgot the car. I helped him booked his car and then he of course needed a direction on how to get to her house from the airport. OK....I got him the direction and printed it. From the airport to the hotel, from hotel to her house. Then...he wanted another direction from her house to her mother's house in Virginia. OK. Well then he said he what about from her house to his brother's in Maryland. OK. Then reverse direction from his house back to her house then back to the daughter's house. Goodness, it would take 5 hours and 7 hours and 7 hours and 5 hours. Well, it is still OK but....the wave of memory is becoming turbulent and it sure is rocking the boat; the fire of emotion is burning up inside. What to do?

When all things fail, PRAY. "Divinity within me, let your love flow through me; let the cool breeze slowly extinguish the fire of emotion that is burning up inside, let the spirit of love calm the waves that is ready to turn into tsunami. God in me, let me put into practice this mighty task called EQUANIMITY".

And so it is. I felt the "inner PEACE that calms the stormy sea; the peace that passed understanding". I can practice and experience EQUANIMITY by becoming a witness - like watching a movie - knowing it is just a movie and when it is finish, all that is left is the big movie screen. So, we can be unaffected by all this happenings around us - it was not easy. But as long as I was aware at the onset of memories, desire and emotions I can let it be and ask for divine love to just flow through me. And I can just witness the wave of memory, the storm of desire and the the fire of emotion pass through --- slowly but surely, it was just passing through just like the passing clouds within minutes, it was gone.

I know it may come back but I already have the tools. And I am ready to put the tools into good use.

Be Well,

INFINITE LOVE and GRATITUDE ALWAYS