"Duty without love is deplorable,
Duty with love is desirable,
Love without duty is divine". SSB
Day 2 - I was only married for 1 year and I was miserable. I went to India to find some answers after hearing that a holy man in South India can do miracles and grant wishes and mine is to get out of my miserable situation. After staying in His ashram for several weeks, I was not hearing the answer that I wanted and so it was time to leave.
As I was waiting for the last darshan (a Sanskrit word that means "to have the vision of divinity"), the Holy Man came and He was about 50 feet away and yet I felt His gaze bore through my soul and heard His voice very clearly in my head "I will come". What does it mean? I was more confused at that moment than when I first came.
I decided to stay in the city of Bangalore for a day in case the holy man will come there. But that seemed impossible since I was told He only come to the city in the summer. Perhaps in my dreams - that is more plausible. I was told when you dream of Him it is real. So I took a shower, wore a clean pj, lit a candle and went to bed (wishing that He visit me in my dreams). Woke up the next working, the candle went out during the night (glad there was no fire) and no dream of the holy man. I figured He must be busy with thousands of people in His ashram. So I decided to have breakfast and then take a nap and give him another chance to come to my dream. Around 9:30 a.m. or so, I light another candle and took a nap. He came and the dream was:
"Hundreds of people were waiting for the Holy Man and I was really close to the front area - about 10 feet away and He asked me where is my husband and as I was about to tell Him that he is in Chicago and I came to ask Him for advice about divorce, my husband just appeared next to Him. It seems that they talked for hours while everybody just patiently waited till it is over. Then He asked me to come closer and I can touch His feet, only because He has known my husband for so many years".
I woke up and thought that since He has known my husband for so many years, then he must be a good man and that I should stay married to him. So, I came back to Chicago and as my husband met me at the airport, the first thing I told him was "I don't love you and I am only staying because I married you and as a Catholic, it is my duty to stay married till you divorce me".
What is wrong with me, why did I not remember that "duty without love is deplorable"? Perhaps it was not the right time to remember? Perhaps it is desirable that I have to learn duty with love, first? But how can you love someone that you do not love anymore? I will tell you how.
Days passed and weeks and months and when I was almost at the lowest ebb of my life again, a son is born. A precious son that brought deep meaning of duty with love. How can I have duty without love for my husband and duty with love for my son, knowing one is deplorable and one is desirable and yet all I wanted is to experience the divine?
I will be up most nights trying to reconcile what is deplorable and desirable so I can arrive to that which is "divine". I kept asking why, why, why. And when I did not hear the answer, I consoled myself with "Do not ask to understand, do not want to understand". But I wanted to know, I do not want to go through life not knowing, not experiencing, not being the best I can be. And that wanting to know is almost asking, and so I received the answer - "When you learn to love him as yourself, you will know and experience "love without duty is divine".
Oh yeah??? and how am I supposed to do that? The Christians are taught to "love your neighbor as yourself" and every religion teaches the golden rule and yet, if your neighbor has a different skin color and speak different language, you find it hard to love them as yourself. When the neighboring country is economically depressed we build walls and fences on our borders so their citizen cannot come and take the jobs away from us. When we cannot keep up with the Jones-es, we cannot love them, we are in fact jealous and envious of them.
A silent prayer "Divinity within me, tell me how, tell me now, show me the way to feel love without duty so I can experience divinity". And so it is - I was told to grab anyone, face them and look into their eyes, really look and who do I see? I see myself, the reflection of me in the pupil of the other person's eye. Ahhh, that is indeed easy. Whenever I look at another and I focus on the pupil with my reflection, then there is only me, there is only One, there is no other - who am I loving? who am I hurting? who am I serving? where does duty come in? No wonder it is said that I separated myself from myself so I can love myself. No duty at all. Just love, pure love - no pressure, no condition, ever flowing, love without duty is divine.
Feel it, experience it, enjoy it.
4 comments:
how did you start on this? what is the process you went through? this will help me a lot. can you write about it or email me?
thanks,
ananda999@sbcglobal.net
as a newly married woman, i am already going through the same experience. thanks for this, i do not feel so alone and i can use your light as my guide. thank you. thank you.
You talked about the lowest ebb of your life and yet you are able to lift me up high by sharing this. My God, where have you been hiding all this time. Glad you are finally out. I hope you dont mind me emailing you, and please please do respond - even though I know you are busy.
I have read and heard about Swami or Sathya Sai Baba. The thing that I can not perceive is why do you praise him like GOD? If you are a Christian, a Jew, a Muslim or any other, we all believe that there is ONLY ONE GOD. This God can not take the form a human being. You are mocking God for associating a form, a human form in doing so.
By associating God, the oneness of GOD with somebody else is a shirk. History has shown again ang again that people from the past have practised paganism, idolatry, witchcraft and the like. From the pharohs in Egypt and Moses revealing to the Pharoah that there is only one God and still people disbelieved in our prophet Moses. Is not this a repeat in history?
Be very careful on committing the same mistakes our forefathers had done in the past. Evil has many forms and will deceive people again and again.
As for me, I would still pray and praise and thank the ONLY ONE GOD I know, and He is the Majestic,the All Knowing God. He begets none nor is He Begotten.
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